My Top Ten Films Of All Time (today)

Flicking through Sight & Sound in Smiths the other day, I became somewhat exasperated reading all the critics' Top Tens of all time.

A critic, yesterday.

Obviously you had Kermode flying the flag for genre cinema with predictable (and justifiable) votes for The Exorcist and The Devils. And it was a real shame that Kim Newman's votes weren't listed. But the vast majority of the film writers were picking films, the circumstances under which they'd choose to watch them, I cannot fathom. I guess there's a certain type of viewer who engages with cinema on an entire other level to me. A purely cerebral one. I cannot, and do not want in the least bit, to loose the joyous thrill of enjoyment.

I really do not to wish to appear anti-intellectual. I think all the films I have picked are awfully clever. Genius in fact. It's just they are applying that genius to entertaining. Growing up spending years consuming miles of VHS tape, I never made that switch in my brain into not wanting films to be fun any more. I have seen both Battleship Potemkin and The Untouchables and I can happily argue that The Untouchables is better. Andy Garcia catches the pram with his leg for one thing.

Better than Battleship Potemkin. Fact.

So after an awful lot of procrastination, and with apologies to An Amercian Werewolf in London, Rocky, Toy Story 3, The Blues Brothers and Aliens, here's my Top Ten Films of All Time (today):

1. The Empire Strikes Back
2. Star Wars
3. Raiders of the Lost Ark
4. Jaws
5. Goodfellas
6. Die Hard
7. Pulp Fiction
8. The Big Lebowski
9. Return of the Jedi
10. This Is Spinal Tap

Dark Knight Rises - A response to Harry Knowles' review

Adding to the plethora of online noise regarding DKR may seem a tad superfluous, however I had such a strong emotional response to it, and was so disappointed by Harry Knowles' piece, that I felt I couldn't avoid getting some feelings down. Naturally, to hold this discussion, by its nature it's going to be spoilery.

I've read Knowles since about '97 I think. The first thing I remember seeing on AICN was a pic of one of the bugs from Starship Troopers. So I have an awful lot of time, and indeed respect, for him. The amount of haters he gets having a go at him in Talkbacks for being fat, ginger, in a wheelchair, and opinionated (or combos of these) is stupid and depressing. This is why I've never become involved in contributing to online geek forums, because it always just descends into a slanging match of who's nerdier and more insulting than the next loser. Hence, I believe in Harry Knowles.

Hey folks, Harry here.

Therefore it felt like a real shame to read of his "profound disappointment" with Nolan's final chapter. I hadn't read anything before seeing the film for the first time at an early morning IMAX screening. A perfect way to experience this apocalyptic vision of Gotham  being dragged into a dictatorial hell.

Knowles' biggest gripe is essentially he doesn't believe the film depicts how Batman would act. He calls bullshit on Wayne hiding away for eight years, hates the reveal of Talia al Ghul as a convenient plot twist, and feels the ending is a cop out designed to leave the way open for any future U-turns made by Nolan and Bale on returning to the franchise.

Now, what's often Knowles' greatest strength as an entertaining nerd writer, is his undoing here. It's too much about him. What he wants to see happen in a film about The Batman, is neither here nor there when engaging with what Nolan has produced. It seems to me that Batman is the comics character most open for multiple stylistic interpretations. Be it the 60's campiness, the kids animated adventures, the Burton Burtonisms, Batman Beyond, that cartoon about the dog Batman - all are as valid as each other as ways of depicting the character. Obviously it's then entirely legitimate to get into debates on quality and coolness within these depictions, but to seemingly dismiss the film out of hand because it's not what you, or your friend Paul Dini, want Batman to be getting up to, is redundant.

And as a kind of mash-up of Knightfall and The Dark Knight Returns, it's not even as if Nolan has particularly removed Batman from any pre-established world he's not already inhabited in other (revered) stories.

OK so Nolan left out the dinosaur, but Bane still breaks the Bat, in a wince-inducing Knightfall inspired moment

Lazy criticism is also levelled about so called plot-holes. Ooo, how long must have it taken Bane to take Batman to the prison? Ooo, how did he get back onto the isolated Gotham island? Simple answer is, I don't know. And more importantly I don't care. Presumably at some point Bruce Wayne also had his tea and did a wee. Don't need to see that either.

And as for the ending, admittedly I expected and would've felt it appropriate to finish as Alfred looked up and smiled in the restaurant. The reveal though can surely be read like the Inception ending. Take it to mean what you will. It's either real or it's his fantasy. Either is cool. The fact that Nolan is prepared, and indeed allowed, to end a summer comic franchise movie in such an ambiguous fashion, should be something to treasure and applaud.

Personally on both viewings I was in pieces from when Blake gets the kids to get back on the bus. The combination of a beleaguered hero (apparently) sacrificing himself, kids being in awe of a man dressed as a Bat, Michael Caine blubbing and blaming himself for failure, and the promise of a new hero rising, is going to kill me every time.

DKR is a triumphant and glorious ending to a trilogy which we as Batman fans have been privileged to enjoy. It's sad that Harry Knowles couldn't find a way to appreciate Nolan's achievement, hankering as he does for a version of the character from out of his brain. But who knows, when DC inevitably reboot in a couple of years, maybe he'll get that - and inevitably that'll be cool by me too.

Top Five Star Wars Top Fives of Star Wars minutia (Original Trilogy): Part 2

Fourth best Top Five: 
Hiding places


To the layman, battling and having a go at the Empire head-on, might seem the order of the day for the Holy Trilogy. But tru headz know that be it Obi Wan sneaking around the Death Star turning off tractor beams, or the entire Rebel army shivering in a hole in the ice, hiding is an utterly vital skill which needs to mastered in order to defeat The Emperor and his cohorts . . .


5. On top of an Imperial Star Destroyer - For someone who can make the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs, as this list will prove, Han Solo is also very good at doing hiding. For starters the audacity of parking the Falcon on top of an Imperial Star Destroyer whilst escaping from Hoth, proves Lando's assertion that he's a massive pirate!

Ha! Look at those other Star Destroyers not even seeing the Falcon. It's right there!! Idiots.

4. In an Imperial Shuttle - Clearly the Empire didn't have Wookiees in mind when they designed these tri-wing crafts, however for sneaking the crew down onto Endor (albeit sensed by Vader) they do the trick, with Han displaying the requisite casual flying skills, that he's presumably acquired via years of smuggling things.

Chewie does look a bit a cramped doesn't he? He's a pro though.

3. Jabba's Palace - The one non-Hanned entry (unless you count Carbonite as a hiding place - which it isn't because you can clearly see a bit of his face. And a hand), Jabba's Palace, full as it is with rubbery-faced musicians and masked bounty hunters, proves ideal for both Lando and Leia to hang about unnoticed. Lando's amazing disguise of a hat with a sort of exo-beard is possibly the most daring on this list.

A bit like a stone-age Brian Blessed.

2. Space Slug - Back to Han, and mere moments (in screen time) before hiding in the fifth best hiding place in the trilogy, he hides in the second best - the tummy of a great big phallic exogorth. And not only is he badass enough to avoid a load of Tie-Fighters and pilot the Falcon out betwixt its teeth, he also finds time to get off with The Most Beautiful Woman Who's Ever Lived (circa 1980).

I think this must be an ILM behind-the-scenes shot

1. The Falcon's Smuggling Bay - The unbridled joy of going round to a child's house who owned a Kenner Millennium Falcon in 1981, which I didn't, and seeing how many figures you could stuff into the little space covered by a removable, thin white plastic panel, is still palpable. And the incredible shot when Chewie's head pops up out of it, easily makes my Top Five Best Amazing Chewie Moments.

To be fair, Luke and Ben aren't making much of an effort to hide in this pic.

Top Five Star Wars Top Fives of Star Wars minutia (Original Trilogy): Part 1

Kicking this off, I wanted to get my thoughts together on some of my favourite minutia from the Original Trilogy. Now whilst I of course know what the exact names of most of this stuff is called, I can't pretend to be a card-carrying authority. Wookieepedia could be my friend, but as a lot of this stuff was only named in the Expanded Universe (which I've never been inclined to get involved with), I shall refer to items by what I would've known them as in 1983.

I have broken these down into five top fives. I was desperately trying to think of four other bags so I could have Chewie's satchel as my number one best bag in the Galaxy, but have come to the conclusion that as it was such a remarkable satchel (and defo what I'd choose if I was allowed to take one item from the original set), that everyone else gave up carrying bags because they just couldn't compete. With Chewie's satchel.

And so on to the first top five . .

Fifth best Top Five: 
Firing weapons (which could be held in a hand - i.e not the Death Star)


5. Princess Leia's pistol - It's long, thinness sets it apart from a lot of weapons in the universe meaning I always knew whom it belonged to in my ice-cream tub of loose figures.

Apparently this is called a Sporting Blaster

4. R2's electric thing - Not sure if this was designed as a weapon, or something to do with fixing space electricity, but it's certainly effective in making Salacious Crumb jump onto the ceiling.

I'm classing it as a weapon even if it's not its primary function (which it might be).

3. Han's blaster - "No blasters, no blasters!" shouted the barman in the Cantina, but thankfully Han didn't heed this warning, thus giving him the drop on Greedo. And lots of Stormtroopers.

Someone likes Han's Blaster a lot more than I do.

2. Stormtrooper's rifle - Held in a very cool manner by the Imperial troops with the smartest costumes in the Galaxy, the big joke is of course they couldn't hit a cow's arse with a barn door with them.

Never had one of these. Never will . . .

1. Chewie's Bowcaster - Clearly any weapon chosen to be wielded by the Greatest Best Friend In The History Of Cinema was always going to win, however we are lucky that it genuinely also does look the coolest, being a low slung crossbow. From the planet Kashyyyk! (presumably).

Look at the Galaxy's most loyal best mate, with his amazing Bowcaster. That shoots lazers!!